She’d had a problem with her IUD implant in the 70s that affected her uterus and the transport of her own eggs. She had never told anyone in her family except for her mother because of the stigma against not being able to get pregnant.
My parents told me that my sister was an in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) baby, with my mom’s egg and my dad’s sperm, and that I was conceived from an egg donor with my dad’s sperm.
It was very emotional. I can vividly remember that.
It’s such a fragile state to be in, to have your own kid question where they’re from. It was one of those things where my mom thought if I knew that I wasn’t necessarily related to her, I would push her away – that’s what she conveyed to me.
After, I remember sitting in my room and I felt like I had known it was true the whole time. I had grown up with these differences and my parents never loved me any less. I’ve never felt betrayed – I’ve just felt grateful for the chance to be given life.
Image caption Elizabeth (left) and her sister
My mom and I have gotten closer because of it. I think it is the bravest thing she has ever done. I began to see how it had shaped her as a mother too – every night she would tell my sister and me: “We did everything to have you, we’re so grateful for you in our lives.” Now I understand that they really did do everything.
As I got older, I became more intrigued by IVF. I thought it was very interesting to see how my parents had taken this very new technology and applied it to their lives.
I want to be an egg donor once I finish college because it would make me feel so proud.
I want to represent a successful story of in-vitro. My mom is very supportive of me becoming an egg donor. I think it would make her feel like she has continued the process of family completion in a way.
Donor conception is still seen as a very secretive process, but I think if it were to have more light brought to it, things might change. If I could help at all to de-stigmatise the idea, I would feel very proud.
Elizabeth, 21, US
When to tell the children
If children have been conceived from a donated egg or sperm it’s good to tell them early, says Nina Barnsley, director of the Donor Conception Network. Ideally at the age of five, and no later than 10.
This allows them to get used to the idea as they grow, and averts the possibly traumatic experience of a sudden revelation later on. “It ends up being just an exciting story of how they came into the world,” she says. “Parents should see it as an open door to continuing the conversation as the child wishes and ages.”
If parents wait until their child is an adult, they may be asked why they hid the truth for so long. But late is better than never, Barnsley says, and better than a deathbed confession. “We’ve had children in their 30s with parents in their 70s when they have the conversation. It can go very well.”
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